GAGS

• Document Type: CREST
• Collection: Library of Congress
• Document Number (FOIA) /ESDN (CREST): LOC-HAK-261-5-46-6
• Release Decision: RIPLIM
• Original Classification: U
• Document Page Count: 2
• Document Creation Date: January 11, 2017
• Document Release Date: December 4, 2009
• Sequence Number: 46
• Publication Date: October 14, 1974
• Content Type: MEMO

No Objection to Declassification in Part 2009/12/04: LOC-HAK-261-5-46-6
UNCLAS
PLEASE PASS TO ADAMS/8REIIER FOR THE SECRETARY
TG: PETER RODMAN FUR SECRETARY KISSINGER
FROM KATHLEEN TROIA, WHITE HOUSE
SUBJECT : GAGS
PAUL KEYES CALLED IN THE FOLLOWING GAGS FOR DR. KISSINGER'S USE AT.
THE AL SMITH DINNER, OCTOBER 16:
1. CARUINAL COOKE...DISTINGUISHED GUESTS...ETC.,I CONFESS(UNDERSCORE)
TO YOU I WASN'T SURE UNTIL THE VERY LAST MOMENT THAT I WOULD BE HERE
'TONIGHT ...AND THAT YOU EMINENCE'...THAT'S PROBABLY THE FIRST CONFESSION
YOU'VE EVER HEARD FROM A JEWISH SECRETARY OFiSTATE.
4. I All DELIGHTED THAT YOU INVITED ME HERE TONIGHT , CARDINAL COOKE.
Wh1LE I HAVE NEVER PRACTICED YOUR RELIGION I HAVE ALWAYS BELIEVED IN
YOUR GOSPEL AS RELATED 6Y MATTHEW, MARK, LUKE ANO JOHN.I ASK IN
RETURN THAT YOU RELIEVE IN MY GOSEPELS RELATED 6Y MARVIN AND
BRRNARD KALB.
ON-FILE NSC
RELEASE
INSTRUCTIONS APPLY
3. AS YOU KNOW9 I HAVE JUST RETURNED FROM THE HOLY LANU..THE BIRTH
PLACE OF CHRISTIANUOM..WHERE CENTURIES AGO A MAN WALKED
FROM VILLAGE TO VILLAGE GREET INu THE PEUPLE AND SPEAKING IN PARABLES. IT
HAS el-EN SAID THAT HE SPOKE IN PARABLE S SO THAT EACH LISTENER COULD
DERIVE HIS OWN MEANING FROM THIS MAN'S MESSAGE. WE HAVE THE SAME
THINGS WITH US TODAY...ONLY WE GALL THEM PRIMARIES.
4. 1 AM PRODAdLY THE ONLY MAN IN THIS ROOM WHO KNOWS THE IMPORTANT
ROLE YOUR SAINT PATRICK'S CATHEDRAL PLAYED. IN LAST WINTER'S OIL CRISIS.
AFTER REPEATED TRIPS TO: THE: MIDDLE EAST I HAD JUST A60UT GIVEN UP...
WHEN P CHANCE VISIT TO YOUR CATHEDRAL CHANGED EVERYTHING... I WAS WALKING
UP FIFI H AVENUE:.-AND HAD STOPPED INTO SAINT PATRICK'S FOR A MOMENT OF
MrE.DITATION..AND IN THAT MOMENT I..,FELT A RENEWED PURPOSE.,I KNEW
THAT I WOULD RETURN TO THE OIL;;,,- RODUCING. NATIONS ONE MORE TIME IN A FINAL:
EFFORT ' O BRING, MORE :OIL TO O.UR.:> CUUNTRY.. ?MY CONSCIENCE WOULD LET ME GO
Q,g
NO'T HI:NG EL; E.. ONCE ' I HAD SEA' - U,. VJER TRY I NG T O HEAT T HA
`'-A'a I PE N-No Obiection to Declassification in Part 2009/12/04: LOC-HAK-261-5-46-6
 R;m I N No Objection to Declassification in Part 2009/12/04 : LOC-HAK-261-5-46-6 CAT.
.. .ra+ , w"..a?% !'4 44 IMMo P1f AC. l .)SnuUL. ?.A ULLlt?"? Wfi?.t .
rt ~J G A GRUU? OF US St LEFT 606* .1 RAN INTO A CA L1C C Ui;CH
i ING A S1 HANGi.R IN THE CHURCH I . i l i N ' T KNOW WHERE I Q HIDE..i lUT
CLOSt`LT..IN THE REAR OF ThE CHUHCFt..JUST A SIMPLE LITTLE Ciro Ek
WITH A CURTAIN...,,L STAYEo IN IT A F W MINUTS..AND SUODt NLY WITHOUT
A LITTLE HOLE IN THE WALL SLID OPEN AND A VOICE..A VOICE I
;'EVcH riiRt E,T, "bLESS YOU MY SUN",.AtoL) I THOUGttT.."HiOw NICE,
HE
'S
.
,.
CO
ItvG ALL THE WAY iDUwN HERE: JUST TU HELP A FRIGHTENE:G LITTLE "'JEWISH
It*
a. IF I MAY MAKE A PERSONAL OtJSE.RVAT ION I AM AS HAPPY AS ALL OF YJU
TO SEE CARDINAL COOKE RECOVERED FROM HIS BOUT WITH MALARIA WHICH HE
;;.'UNTEACTED DURING HIS RECENT TRIP To WEST AFRICA. I MUST SAY I WAS
FLATTERED AT THE STORIES I HAVE HEARD TH T WHEN YOUR TRAVELLING
COA ANIONS DISCOVERED YOU HAD MALARIA ONE OF THEM SAID THE SAME THING
ONE OF MY TRAVELLING COMPANIONS SAID WHEN A GUN MISFIRED ON MY PLANE
IN
THE MIDDLE EAST. I BELIEVE THE LINE IN BOTH INSTANCES WAS, "DON'T
WORRY A60UT ME, TAKE CARE OF HIS EMINENCE."
7. TONIGHT WE HAVE GATHERED HERE TG PAY TRIBUTE 'I0 THE MEMORY OF
A CHEAT NAN.. A MAN AT ONL TIME WAS GOVERNOR OF THE STAT E OF NEW YORK.
N
A iAt
WHO WAS A STRONG AND FORCEFUL POLITICAL LEADER AND WHO, IN HIS
Ti~RMS AS GOVERNOR, c FOUGHT" MANY Ni:Et1Et? REFORMS TO THIS STATE.-AND WHO
LATER LATER TETR iME SOUGHT HIOHEF PULIT1CAL OFFICE--WAS DEFEATED
..AND DURING ONLY HIS
FELT THE FULL AVREC1ATION OF THE PEOPLE OF THIS COUNTRY. I REFER, OF
COUR:SE., TO THE SAME tiIAtti WHO HOPEFULLY WILL SOON BE CONFIRMED AS VICE
t'ltk::>lf EN1 OF THE U; 1TEw STATES.
E;. KEYED ALSO SUGGESTED THE GAG Hi WROTE FUR .HAK FUR USE AT THEN
l LLERAL CITY CLUS AWMROS CEREIMONY. THE TEXT IS: % HERE HAVE BEEN SOME
UNFAIR C.ONINENT5 AdOUT MY EGO. ANYONE IN MY POSITION RECOGNIZES THE
E~SEN'TIAL NECESSITY OF HUMILITY. iEVERY EVENING I FRAY FUR GUIDANCE
AiwO WI;SDOM'i, ABU WREN I AM FINISHED.. 1 GUD WHAT I CAN DO FOR HIM."
I'LL MANE SURL A CAR IS WAITING FOR YOU AT ANDREWS.
: EE Y iU THEN. 73 wARM REGARL5.
No Objection to Declassification in Part 2009/12/04: LOC-HAK-261-5-46-6