WHO FOUND IRAN?

• Document Type: CREST
• Collection: General CIA Records
• Document Number (FOIA) /ESDN (CREST): CIA-RDP99-00498R000100170132-0
• Release Decision: RIPPUB
• Original Classification: K
• Document Page Count: 1
• Document Creation Date: December 20, 2016
• Document Release Date: June 19, 2007
• Sequence Number: 132
• Publication Date: April 1, 1979
• Content Type: OPEN SOURCE

Approved For Release 2007/06/19: CIA-RDP99-00498R000100170132-0
ARMED FORCES JOURNAL INTERNATIONAL
APRIL 1979
Fouird Iran?
hltc)ZI Ai 1. A1'1'1',AU Nc l:s. 11)71twa.
t,:rt .t;irtine uff at alt wel1.1 tit-, w:t, tin year
we io,t Iran. After the good cheer of the
Christmas season had worn all and the
Shat made off fo; his long overdue "va-
cation," the serious work of figuring out
who I. is., Iran began in taupe't.
Conservatives and liberals alike blamed
the President, who ne'.er really figured out
it wasn't his problem in the first place. The
('resident immediately rose to the occasion
and got steamed at Admiral Turner and the
CIA. That's where all the trouble began.
It used to be that the President could
take the blame for losing this or that when
the buck stops here" was the word of the
day. It turns out that President Truman.
who invented that sign for his desk, also
invented the CIA. Althoug;i Truman didn't
recognize it at the time, he had created the
perfect patsy. Thrcc decades, six president
and one Daniel Schorr later, the White
Mottle discovered it could blame anything
on the CIA with the full support of the
American people. Iran was a piece of cake..
Over at the CIA, 1978 had been a really
lousy year for losing things and 1979 didn't
promise to be much better. That year
started off on the wrong foot when they lost)
the nwner's manual to their very best)
satellite, and things were really going down
hill fast. The satellite's manufacturer told`
Admiral Turner that without the manual, it
wasn't going to honor the satellite's 10 year
or l,000.000,009 mile warranty. With the
warranty lost, Admiral Turner was faced
with the prospect of sending his own repair
crew into outer space to fix the thing if it
broke down -not a cheap enterprise these
days of double-digit inflation.
Up on the Hill, Admiral Turner had lost
a good part of his budget, and really
couldn't afford a repair crew or a new
satellite. Turner really put his foot down
after that. Searches were ordered of all
people leaving the CIA building to make
sure nothing else was lost. For a while it
looked like things might now he working
right. An alert CIA guard caught an
electrician trying to sneak Chad out of the
Langley headquarters in his lunch pail.
When Taiwan was lost a week litter, they
White House unexpectedly took full
blame for it. That one sure was a relief fort
Admiral Turner.
I hen came 1riln. it was like a
headache thee. N ! , t t i - l n ' t Ito aThe Sh;ili
had prnarised PresiJent Ni?so:; to def::nd
the I'cicreek ih;one (breve. and nn
foreign autocrat worth his weapons ever
broke a promise to iresident Nixon. '1 he
Shah certainly kept his part of the barrel .
buying enough c eapons to look like
Georgia and California eotnhineJ. lie built
up a big army and a first rate secret police.
If Iran was going down the tubes it must he
our fault. The American people were never
going to buy some craw story about the
mighty Shah being brought down by an
aeed, bearded revolutionary sitting in sonic
Paris bistro four thousand miles away. The
President could r,.o more sell that line than
it story his brother Billy was entering a
rabinnical seminary.
The President had no other choice. if
Iran was gone. it must he the CIA. Admiral
Turner was ready for this one, taking the;
blame squarely in the best Navy tr;iditI011.
}ie heat his breast with three: quick #' 'a
ciil`p rc and set off to remedy the situati,;n.
An immediate top-down, bottom-up
reorganisation of the intelligence
community was ordered and a new deputy
in charge of not-toes*,!g err thing-else was
appointed with it diStilIgUi.shcul Harvard
background. An aid. was sent down to the
operations directorate to see if there was
somebody left there to Tire.
As it turned out, the last 500 spies had all
gone down to the personnel office to turn in
their papers for early retirement. A
compromise was reached in which Turner
submitted his own retirement papers from
the Navy, and nobody else was fired over
Iran.
Just as things looked like they were
going from bad to worse, and gas would ff
break the two-dole?ar a gallon mark by
election time, it happened. Cleaning up!.
around the National Security Council:
offices late one night, Mervin Ferbish!
STAT
STAT
found Iran. It w; sri t that the old (. _orei::n
i.mitor was looking for it at au. Ferbish h.id
sp cut roost of his career s.ticepirt the
peanut warehouse for Jimmy and really
thought Iran was a metal that tractors were
made out of.
But, as fate would have it, he was just
stacking up some old Top Secret papers
from Chester Arthur s administration and
there it was -a little greasy from not
having its oil drained off in three months -
but still Iran. Needless to say the President i
was delighted. I-crbish has gotten his
reward, and just been appointed head of
the General Services Ad minist i ation. Alas.
there is still Admiral Turner. Well, two otrt
of three isn't bad. 12 -* G
Lansiow? Anthrax is a for: reer gu .ei i.
meet intaiii,ence oflcial who now dots
the serer!' s wk fora prufii.
Approved For Release 2007/06/19: CIA-RDP99-00498R000100170132-0