HAVE I EVER LIED TO YOU

• Document Type: CREST
• Collection: General CIA Records
• Document Number (FOIA) /ESDN (CREST): CIA-RDP86M00886R002600060046-1
• Release Decision: RIFPUB
• Original Classification: K
• Document Page Count: 6
• Document Creation Date: December 21, 2016
• Document Release Date: August 21, 2008
• Sequence Number: 46
• Publication Date: January 20, 1984
• Content Type: OPEN SOURCE

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NIC #00495-84 M rQ
THE DIRECTOR OF
CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE
National Intelligence Council
20 January 1984
1. During our conversation on your
airplane last week, I mentioned an old article
by Art Buchwald which compared the CIA and the
Department of Agriculture. You requested that
I try to'obtain a copy for your possible use
in introducing Mr. Buchwald during his visit
to CIA. Clare Rice and his highly efficient
staff found a copy of the article reprinted
in a book and repeated in a 1975 newspaper.
2. I am told by OCR that they have
identified other articles by Buchwald on the CIA
in case you're interested.
Julian C. Nall
NIO for Science and Technology
Attachment
NIO/S&T:JNall:lm (20 Jan 84)
Distribution:
1 - DCI
1 - ER
1 - VCs/NIC
1 - NI0/S&T Files
Approved For Release 2008/08/21: CIA-RDP86M00886R002600060046-1
SID
 Approved For Release 2008/08/21: CIA-RDP86M00886R002600060046-1
HAVE I
EVER LIED
TO YOU ?
by ART BUCHWALD
G. P. Putnam's Sons
New York
e,e`r qG 6, G ?~ G~
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 218 Have I Ever Lied to You?
chairwoman of the Entertainment Committee; and a Congress-
man from Texas, who did card tricks.
Two weeks later, thanks to Riggs Bank, I paid off all our
personal debts.
I forgot all about the gala until one night I said to my wife,
"Oh, by the way, how much money did you people make for the
Indigent Football Coaches Home in Rock Creek Park?"
"I think it was thirty-nine dollars and fifty cents," my wife said
hesitatingly. "It seems the decorations cost us much more than
anyone thought they would."
THE TRUE SECRET SERVICE
4 The CIA has been getting so much publicity that one starts to
wonder how secret our secret service really is. Esquire magazine
devoted an entire issue to the CIA, the New York Times had a
'five-part series on it, and the CIA is defending an Estonian in a
slander suit in Baltimore. In another case coming to court soon,
a man who says he worked for the CIA is being tried for
smuggling arms destined for Angola and Mozambique. You
can't pick up a newspaper or magazine these days without
reading about the organization.
Many people are bewildered over the amount of publicity the
CIA is getting, but I can put their minds at ease. The reason the
CIA is getting all the publicity is that it is not our major secret
service organization. It is, in fact, a cover to detract from our
real central intelligence agency, which is the Department of
Agriculture.
Yes, the Department of Agriculture is the real intelligence
organization, operating without fanfare, rarely getting its name
in the papers and maintaining a discreet silence worthy of the
greatest intelligence operation in the free world.
It can now be revealed that the CIA was set up for no other
Approved For Release 2008/08/21 : CIA-RDP86M00886R002600060046-1
reason th
Agricultn
The S
16,000 er
informati'
now, has
dreams.
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the Dom i
ment in S
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mitted, a'
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our intelli:
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amounts c
no one is V
Besides
are really
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But just w]
caper, and
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Lied to 78? THE TRUE SECRET SERVICE 219
a Congress- reason than to keep people from prying into the affairs of the
Agriculture Department.
off all our The $46,000,000 CIA headquarters at Langley, with its
16,000 employees, the far-flung spy network, the gathering of
to my wife, information from around the world are all a ruse that, up until
take for the now, has worked beyond the Department of Agriculture's wildest
dreams.
iy wife said The CIA has been blamed for the U-2 incident, the foul-up in
more than the Dominican Republic, and the setting up of the Diem govern-
ment in South Vietnam. What few people realize is that this is
exactly the way Orville L. Freeman, the Secretary of Agricul-
ture, wants it, because the more things the CIA gets blamed for,
the less chance there is of discovering who was really behind
these operations.
Whenever someone starts getting inquisitive about what the
le starts to Department of Agriculture is up to, the CIA immediately leaks a
magazine story to the press of some momentous blunder the CIA com-
?rnes had a mitted, and everyone, including the Russians, thinks we goofed
Ionian in a again.
'ourt soon, The reason the Department of Agriculture was chosen to be
tried for our intelligence arm is that no one really cares what the Agricul-
%que. You ture people do. They have an inexhaustible supply of funds that
?s without they are supposed to pay out to the farmers for not growing
crops.
blicity the Using this as a pretext, the department can siphon off large
eason the amounts of money to its agents in the form of farm subsidies, and
Jor secret no one is the wiser.
from our Besides this, the department has crop-dusting aircraft, which
rtment of are really used for spying operations, and all the storage facilities
which are supposed to be holding surplus commodities are, in
telligence fact, filled with the latest and most sophisticated spy equipment.
its name The only time the Department of Agriculture was even re-
hy of the motely in the limelight was during the Billie Sol Estes swindle.
But just when the heat was on, the CIA pulled off the Bay of Pigs
no other caper, and everyone forgot about Estes.
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The CIA angrily denied the charges that they were a front for
the Department of Agriculture when I called them. But the
evidence is so overwhelming that their protestations just added
to, rather than detracted from, my theory.
No organization that gets in the papers as much as the CIA
could possibly be part of our secret service, and no organization
that gets in the papers as little as the Department of Agriculture
could be anything but a worldwide intelligence network.
Let this be a lesson to those who believe the United States
government does not know what it's doing.
The longer I live in Washington, the more impressed I am with
how smoothly the government runs.
Not long ago I was in a government office, waiting to take a
friend to lunch. He had just come out of a meeting and seemed
pleased with how well it had gone.
"What was the meeting about?" I asked.
"I'm not sure what you mean," he said.
"Why did you have the meeting?"
"What a stupid question. What do you think we do in the
government, just sit around and twiddle our thumbs?"
"I didn't mean that. What subject did you discuss at the
meeting?"
"We discussed whether we should hold a conference or not."
"You had a meeting to discuss holding a conference?"
"Of course. And the consensus was that we should hold off on
the conference until we meet again."
"Which, of course, will mean another meeting?"
"Now you've got it," he said. "I don't mind telling you I was
pretty scared, because Agnew had called a meeting for ten
o'clock, and Evans had called another meeting for ten thirty.
Evans had n
Agnew, and
mad. So Evar
"Did anytl;
"We disco:
"Then by
what you wet
"We never
make the ma
was holding
he felt that
meeting, too,
Zimmerman
"How did I
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surprise that
across the stn
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and the Sect
gone over eat
secretary hat
Zimmerman.
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tary was abot
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having in Ws
several of tj
conference,
the confere
"You peoj
"We have-
"Why?"
`Because
looks so mu
you feel if wt
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. 1111 ~ I '
our real Central Intelligence APO- - - - - - I
cy. which ~Js the Department of Api- lam
Culture'
ture is thi real intelligence organUm- !orked beyond the Department of
cause the more thin-~., Inp I N ! .. .:at _:' a 11"111 1'.
Warned for. the less chance Uwf* is mem can vphnn uJi ia1z'e 411101111" cl
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"wee operations of farm subsidies and Ill) one is tilt' Cj:!Vkl BUT tilt' "'le"t "
Whenever someone starts gettill- wisce v%et%heiniing, IhAl their pfutc,li
inuuisitive about what the Depart. Besides this, the [)epartnient lw, tl,),,, ju,t atitivet tit. rather thin 414,
CIA immediately leaks a story to the reallv used for spying operations. anti
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latest and Morg SOP111511caLVE! NIJ.$ in the palieii as little as the Depart
The reason the Department of equipment. nient of Azriculture could he any-
Agriculture was chosen to be our The only time the Deparimen, of thin.., but t worl(Nide intelligen~~
intelligence arm isthat n o one realiv Agriculture %as even remotel.%, 11'," nct%ork
1
C, & 7z'I'l 1
do. They have an inexhaustive sull- Sol Estes swindle. But just %hen the IA't thi, ite a lesm)n 1-i thoe who
ply of funds that they are suppowd heat was on, the CIA pulled off I Ill- 1wheve the Vnited States goiern-
to pay out to the farmers for not Bay of Pigs caper. anti every--ne ovnt (hw, not know A hit it is doin~
.~rowing crops. forgot about Estes. di, 17M t- A.G.1- T-
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